A Woman’s Heart is a Deep Ocean of Secrets

We never realized that Mallory had something to hide. We thought she was always open with us throughout junior high and high school. So, when we were on our inaugural girls’ weekend trip to Santa Barbara back in 2018, and she finally told us about what happened all those years ago, we were shocked. We thought we knew everything about each other. But really, how much information do young teenage girls truly share to others? There can be a lot of shame from things that happened during those formative years that’s worth keeping inside. Or so we think.

Meet My Friend Mallory

Mallory was the funny friend in school. The practical joker. The one who did stupid things just to make people laugh. And we did. (As you already know from prior blogs, when I laugh, I pee my pants. She had me in tears many times, and yes, changing underwear just as much.) Mallory would do things in the open that most people would only do behind closed doors. She had no filter nor a plan as to where or when she was going to perform her acts. 

☠️WARNING! Fitting the pattern of some of my other stories, this one is incredibly gross. So, for those ill-prepared for the nasty, please be forewarned. 

Here’s the Setup

We were freshman in high school, and not quite as sophisticated as we wanted to be. In fact, we weren’t sophisticated at all. We were exploring. We were young. We were stupid. Most of us were still growing (although I am still 5’2”, so what happened there?), and our guy friends still had crackly voices. (For those Brady Bunch fans, think Peter Brady squeaking, “🎵When it’s time to change, you’ve got to rearrange”.🎵)

After school, many of us would end up at someone’s house for entertainment. (Nope, it was never mine. My mom would never allow people to come over and just “hangout”.) Mallory’s parents were rarely home after school, so many times we ended up there. On this particular day though, only Wanda landed at Mallory’s. We were friends with Wanda too, but she and Mallory had been friends since elementary school, so they were tighter friends than the rest of us were with her. 

It was only one month into the school year, 90 degrees outside, and just as hot as any summer day. Some classrooms had air conditioning, but not all of them. Our only thought was about swimming or chilling in front of Martha Quinn on MTV, watching nothing but music videos. (That’s how MTV started, remember? “Music TeleVision”.) As the day went on, we grew more restless until finally, the bell rang. Sixth period and the school day was over. Whose house would it be?

Here’s the Start of the Story I Forewarned You About

On that particular day, Wanda and Mallory were impatient and feisty. Sixth period was Mr. Hogge’s algebra class, and they were starving. Their attention span was gone, and there was still 20 minutes before the bell rang. They started passing notes. Mallory started it off.

“I’m starving!”

“OH MY GOD! Me too. Do you have any good food at your house?”

“Yeah, my mom just went shopping. Unless my brother eats it before we get there we can eat these totally rad cupcakes that she found. They’re so bitchin”. 

“Awesome! Let’s jam as soon as the bell goes off. Meet you at your locker”.

Mallory looked over at Wanda and gave her the thumbs up. 

When they got to Mallory’s, they were sweating. Even though they were starving, they were hotter than they were hungry. And Mallory’s brother wasn’t home, so they knew the cupcakes would be safe. They ran upstairs and put on swimsuits. Wanda fit into Mallory’s clothes, so she threw her extra suit to her. “Here, wear this one. Let’s just jump in and cool off, and then I’ll find those cupcakes. They are so killer!” 

10 Minutes Later

As they plowed through three cupcakes each, they simultaneously boiled a pot of water and made two boxes of Kraft macaroni and cheese. Sure, cupcakes are yummy, but not super filling. These chicks were starving, remember?

☠️ It’s your last warning.

With all this—not-very-good-for-you—food, Wanda had a bit of a tummy ache. She hit the bathroom as quickly as she could. The grunting should have been the first clue as to how her belly felt. She is grunting, but laughing at the same time.

We have all seen/heard Wanda so many times. Once she starts laughing, she starts snorting. Once she starts snorting, she starts choking (she has asthma). Once she starts choking, she starts coughing. It’s a mess to watch, but so damn funny that we would all be in hysterics. 

Closing the door to poop? No, we never did back in school. Wanda’s grunting has stopped, leaving behind a poop log the size of a small forearm. (Yes, I know. Nasty. But wait. There’s more.)

Wanda didn’t flush. Why not? Who knows. She simply got up, slid her wet bathing suit up her legs and tried to straighten it out onto her body. Regardless of the concern, she pooped, didn’t flush, and left the bathroom. 

Mallory walked in minutes later and wondered exactly the same thing. 

“Hey, are you trying to conserve water here or what? What’s up with the floating log?” 

Then Mallory starts laughing to herself uncontrollably, and schemes up a plan. She quietly slides her way into the kitchen, opens the wooden silverware drawer, and grabs a fork. Yes, a fork!  She slyly shuffles her still-wet bare feet back to the bathroom, stabs the log, and walks out of the bathroom like Chuckie with a knife. Wanda turns around and looks at Mallory as if she really is Chuckie from a midnight horror movie and screams! Mallory can hardly breathe, she is laughing so hard and starts chasing Wanda through the house with it.

But wait. There’s even more. 

They are both laughing hysterically, and Wanda is tearing through the house, trying to get away from Mallory. They run through the living room, then Wanda starts up the stairs to the bedrooms. By this time, Mallory’s younger sister is home. Wanda thinks the little sister’s room could be a safe spot, but Mallory rounds the corner half screaming and half hysterically laughing. She haphazardly aims, flings the poop off the fork to try to hit Wanda. It hits the ceiling, making a foot-long skid mark, drops onto the sisters bed, and rolls onto the floor. Yes, it missed Wanda and Mallory’s sister (Thank God.) 

My guess is if you’re not crying with laughter right now, you’re sick to your stomach. 

Fast-Forward 40 Years

As I write this, I’m 30,000 feet above the ground, flying to meet her, Charlie, and Sydney for a girl’s weekend in Lake Tahoe. Right now, I’m laughing so hard behind my face mask I can barely breathe. This story—even though I wasn’t there—still brings tears to my eyes.

Why This Story?

I wanted to tell you a story about Mallory that would best sum up why she is the funny friend. That was the kind of stupid stuff she did all her life, and continues today as an adult. But now I wonder, what’s behind people being funny? I never questioned it with her, but now that I have learned information about some of her stories, it’s clear that being funny was her defense mechanism. It was her way out. It was her happy place. Mallory needed to create a different landscape from what was really going on. On that 90 degree day, the residual effects of the mac-n-cheese/cupcake combination plus her fork was one way she changed her landscape. Good for her, bad for Wanda.  

On the last day of our trip two years ago, Mallory had tears in her eyes when she said, “I need you guys. No one understands me like you guys do. I feel lost a lot.” After being with Mallory and hearing some lifelong secrets she shared on that inaugural girls’ weekend trip, I learned that she has held onto some ugly truths and could have used our help during these past 30 years. 

I remember sitting at the departure gate at the Santa Barbara airport, so enveloped in thought wondering, “How many women are like Mallory? I’m gonna write a book. I’m gonna encourage women across the globe to strengthen their girlfriendships by spending quality time with one another. Breakthroughs will happen. Old wounds will heal. Memories will be made.”

That is how My Girlfriendships® started.

The Lesson. There’s Always a Lesson.

Secrets are difficult to divulge for some women because after they’re spoken, they then become reality. If you’ve squashed the truth for long enough, is it really your reality or was it just something you want to forget? I don’t have the answer to that. I don’t have the answer because I don’t have much experience with hiding secrets, but I know they are real. I know that many women suffer from hiding past truths. I believe these are the quelled stories that can cause cancer, chronic stress, depression—all those ailments that are not contracted from another person. Not speaking your truth, not being able to confide in a friend, squashing a traumatic time in your life, leads to disaster. 

So, what is the choice here about secrets? Do you take a chance and let them out?  Do you find a friend who is your designated confidant and divulge all the uglies that you have kept inside for so long? Will it make you feel better? Will it cure your illnesses? Will your life change? Or will it make matters worse? Will you be condemned for life? 

These decisions are your own. And you will not know the outcome until you try. You can’t predict the future—no one can. What you can do is work your hardest to be healthy, in your body and in your mind. If you are fearful, ashamed, manic, threatening, concerned, then please seek help. You are blessed if you have a girlfriend who can be there for you as you tell your story. She will be nonjudgmental and open to your truths. She will support you and care for your well-being. If you don’t have someone in your life like this, there are many specialists who have studied this field and are prepared to help you continue on in this life. I am not a therapist, a doctor, or even a secret specialist. But I do know that I can be that friend.     

I love that you were with me today. See you next week!



Lisa A.K.A Loopie

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